I faked an abortion last night.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So vagazzling was a success
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
