my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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