Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
