Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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