I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
