Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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