he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
