Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
