He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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