I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
