I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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