i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
