Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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