After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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