your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You're like the curious george of whores
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
