i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
