My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
