Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
