i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
