you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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