I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
