Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
