Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
