Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
