Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
