got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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