K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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