the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
dude. I can hear the air.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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