Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
