After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
