just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
