And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
