i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
