____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
