I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
