I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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