i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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