my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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