were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
