remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What drink are we having for lunch?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
