My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
