I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
