the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
