I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
