I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
