how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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