Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
