apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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