the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
