if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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